Loving myself including bits I cannot stand — my 2024 creed

Photo by De'Andre Bush on Unsplash

I want to say I have been on a self-love journey for years, but, events from 2023 would say otherwise. There is nothing like the reality check seeing a therapist for the first time brings; accepting harsh truths that have been in your face all along but you didn't see, is not a fun exercise. If you met me briefly in 2023, you would easily think I had a healthy dose of esteem, I was assertive, had clearly defined boundaries, and I loved myself. Why wouldn't you? I am outspoken and grounded, I speak and write well, and I clean up nicely.

Well oh well, 2023 revealed I had self-esteem issues and little to non-existent boundaries, wait for it, I was a people pleaser, and I sabotaged myself here and there. Bear in mind, these are what I call level one discoveries because they came from a therapy cycle (3 sessions) — more will show up in 2024…stick with me — not only do I have all of these underlying issues, but, I DID NOT FORGET MY INTENSE CHILDHOOD TRAUMA — I thought I did!!!!! The abandonment, neglect, and physical violence meted to and on me, as a kid was buried underneath all of the rubbles and did a funny peekaboo each time I manifested a new one.

Having these unresolved problems meant I could not love myself thoroughly no matter how much I tried because I continued to honour people, places, and conversations that were unhealthy for me. Because I had no boundaries, people could walk in and out of my life as they desired, triggering alarms in my body here and there. Because, I did not know how to regulate my emotions, I was constantly zoning between freeze and fight responses all my life and was mostly in functional freeze mode. I can not in good faith claim I love myself and on the other hand settle for hot & cold affection. It is impossible! I was doing my best reading up on self-love and taking breaks from work, going on dates, and reading self-help books but there I was, accepting crumbs of affection even when it felt like an afterthought and I knew I deserved better. I had no boundaries and didn't know what those were. Even when my brain cried out in endless frustration at the familiar torturous circle of holding tightly to familiar relationships that were not good for me, I stayed! I remained available. I could not see it, I did not know what was being done to me, I could not name it, but I felt every bit of it — the resentment, the waiting, the flurry of excitement when they are on good terms with me, when they need me oh, the joy of being needed. Ooooh, the pain of being ignored and the fear of being forgotten hits shortly afterwards and sends me spirally into mood swings, intense irritation, and unfounded anger.

In May of 2023, I began this journey of finding myself through the endless mounds and rubbles of emotional dysregulation and dysfunction this time, with clarity. I knew their names for a start — low self-esteem, people-pleasing, and anxious attachment. By December of 2023, I had reclaimed my voice, lost close friendships, and built a fearless determination to see me the way God sees me. As I write this today 2nd of January, 2024 I hope to come into all that I am, healed, whole, with nothing missing or broken. To dig even deeper, excavate debris, refine sharp edges, and touch my inner child on the head and heart because oh, what a fine diamond I am.

In this deeply revealing blog post, I will outline traits and behaviours I do not like about myself — things I do or am inclined to, that make me cringe, and my insides curl. I will also talk about traits and behaviours I am completely enamoured by. In 2024, I desire to love both parts of me, warts and all as I heal.

Question: What is the sense in that?

Answer: I cannot wait until I am perfect to love every bit of me, not only will I be waiting forever and in futility too, I need to experience love now, like today today. So, let's go! starting from what makes my intestines curl in rage.

1. I cry easily — my goodness, I can shed hot tears from reading a tribute, a movie, confronting authority, watching an emotional scene, listening to someone with a difficult childhood, or when hugging someone I haven't seen in a long time. There is always water inna me eyes and ewww, no, please.
2. I over-explain to people I care about — I do not want them to ever second-guess my actions, dislike me, feel disappointed or let me go. I want them to always see me as a good, sweet person. yikes!
3. I am quick to take on blame and judgment so you don't feel too bad. If someone wrongs me, I find, at moments of their realization, I am unable to watch them go through the shame or awkwardness alone. As such, I am quick to throw myself under the bus as Clarina Kent I am, by underplaying what has happened, speaking out of turn, or acting like it was nothing to assuage or absolve them of something they had coming. So get this, in order not to make them feel bad for treating me bad, I save them and feel bad two times. Double yikes!
4. I find myself carrying the burden of initiating stressful conversations in all my relationships. Not a solely bad trait but I want to rest, dfkm! The burden of being the partner declining to sweep things under the carpet builds resentment over time and a much more effective approach, I learnt, was to either match energies or take myself away from places that no longer serve me but I struggle!! I struggle to detach, I struggle to ignore and overlook and want to talk it out and save what we have. I don't want you to go or to feel resentment at you and…
5. I don't like how my body looks sometimes — I admitted in 2023 I didn't like all of my body. My small boobs, big nose, straight legs that could be better shaped, big belly, and posture.
6. I easily feel abandoned, jilted, ignored, and dismissed. Oh yes, I hate that I am quick to feel like a third wheel and this is not unfounded. My siblings picked themselves when we were kids — my elder sis to our first boy as first of each gender and all the boys to themselves, it was a 2 girls, 4 boys household. Put the endless quarrels with my mom and basic emotional connection with my dad, I spent my childhood alone but in a full house. I remember watching my brothers play-fight themselves, my sister in the kitchen with my mom, or at the market, or both bonding over a chore, dad at work, and me often taking solace in a book, staying out of trouble, or stuck in my fantasy dream world in bed. I did not fit in my family — nobody engaged me even though I had a lot to say, so of course, that was how I ventured into the world. I went into the world recoiling at the first sign of not being included. When people pick themselves in groups, I was never picked, when two colleagues bond faster, I feel played out, when a supervisor shares internal jokes with a teammate, I feel left behind, and when a close friend tilts towards another person, I feel my heart clench. I do not like this part of me and as I have grown to talk myself out of it — “People like what they like, you are not jollof rice, you will find your people, and yunno, they are probably easier to roll with and have stronger shared interest” but I cannot tell you how destabilizing it is to bear these thoughts in any and every circle. It is as if no matter where I go and the older I get, I am waiting and wanting to be picked, to be seen, to be welcomed and included. My inner child *cringe* is still standing behind the curtain of our apartment at Adeola Street, Oluti, Amuwo Odofin Lagos, watching my siblings climb wrestle each other and not being asked to join. As I did then when I got standing of standing, I awkwardly slipped to the arm of the Sofa and watched with longing, hoping to be invited, but, that never happened.
7. I desire instant responses from love interests and find myself unable to focus or do anything else until the message comes. Thankful to Instagram therapists and podcasts, I now understand this is an anxious attachment on my part and my penchant to find fondness in places it is not readily given because it is familiar. I am used to hot & cold love as such, like a puppy, I am typically waiting and panting for the next crumb of affection from anyone I fancy.
8. Be “with” men I know will not get anywhere — feel attracted to them, desire them knowing they are not mine and will never be — pattern? maybe. But yeah, I do usually fall for people who are not available or cannot give me what I want emotionally. Hear this, I often run away from those who are available and want me to the arms who can spare a crumb here and there and do not like me because again, it was familiar! *sending an invisible middle finger to my parents here*
9. I seek validation from my work and do extra and beyond to make myself feel indispensable and make my employers or supervisors know I am one in a million, a good and dedicated employee, and should be treated kindly. It used to be my academics yunno. I was typically top of my class driven by what I now see as the desire to be seen by teachers, identified by students, and to belong to the top 1% of the set. It is as if, I was begging to be treated well by doing everything right. No boundaries, you call me anytime and require things on short notice on weekends, and outside my purview and I bend backwards to get it so. So you can say well done! excellent worker! the best! oh, good luck replacing Victoria! There is nobody like her!
10. I shut down easily — once a conversation becomes intense and forays into areas I do not intend, like Ikeja Electricity, I shut down. Light goes out of me during intense emotional conversations. I cannot navigate my way through them and shift them to what I want because I see many people do it. I simply shut down.

Loving myself: bits about me I am enamoured about

1. I celebrate with people genuinely. In many quarters, I am Ginger queen, hype woman, and cheerleader and it is true, if you ever need someone to rejoice with you on anything really, hit me up!
2. I love the size of my heart and its ability to empathize, deeply. I feel people's pain, joy, and grief intensely. Used to think this was a burden as in the case of pain and grief, it demoralises and sends me into deep sadness mourning for strangers I do not know but not anymore. People around me are thankful for it. It makes them feel seen and heard in trying times and that feels good.
3. I am sunshine, literally! I come into a place and it is twinkle, twinkle! I make people smile, laugh, and feel better easily.
4. I make people feel good about themselves and spotlight their achievements even when they can’t see them. I believe the world is tough and rough and everyone deserves a break — a genuine smile and to feel good about themselves when they run into me. Yes, I validate people.
5. I am beautiful. My eyes, nose, and lips and finely proportioned to each other.
6. I have a banging body — I have wide hips, curves, and long legs. I am an adorable size 12 which I love and will maintain this year.
7. Took me a long time but now, I am enamoured by my boobs — they are the right size, and my neck is beautiful
8. I love my financial discipline. I have saved 50% of my salary since 2017, and it saw me through my Bachelor’s degree, travel trips, and rent since 2018.
9. I support my family monthly. I want my family members to thrive and invest in them. I want my brothers, sister, and parents in good health and happy.
10. I am generous — it comes naturally to me to give, to give money, love, attention, and anything and I have this urge to make things better for people than I had it.
11. I am practical and reliable — I get things done!
12. I am self-driven — I see things through
13. I give my 100 to tasks, my work, and any project I participate in. 100% or nothing.
14. I am grounded — I recognise the place of empathy and grace.
15. I care for strangers — I have this impulse to make burdens lighter and introduce a spark or two into people's lives.
16. I read wide — books, articles, learn new languages,
17. I take care of myself — health, mind, body, and spirit
18. I am neat — my living space is tidy, my clothes, my surroundings, and my bathroom
19. I am assertive — I know what I want, how I want to be treated, people I like, and places I want to remain
20. I show people I love I love them with words and hugs.
21. I am introspective and self-aware
22. I love Art — written words, spoken words, music — oh music!, paintings, nature, and smiles. a good smile stops me in my tracks always.
23. I am on a path to being a securely attached person, healing childhood wounds, reparenting myself and being there for myself in the ways I wish my parents(mom) were.
24. I am committed to personal development. I enjoy learning, developing myself, refining myself, and becoming a better person.
25. I am determined to be a better parent to my children hence my desire to work through my childhood trauma NOW!
26. I know how to make people feel comfortable with me, easy too.
27. I get excited easily and talk with my eyes, my hands, and my body. If I love something, I tell everyone!
28. I do not hoard resources, if I see something that will help you, I share.
29. I try to do better and apologise easily when I fail.
30. I am excited about my future — God is set to do something huge, mighty, and jaw-dropping with me! He is ready to show off with me!

Started: December 2023

Completed and Published: January 2nd, 2024

will be regularly updated lol